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You think that it’s not magic that keeps you alive? Just ’cause you understand the mechanics of how something works, doesn’t make it any less of a miracle “¦ which is just another word for magic. We’re all kept alive by magic, Sookie. My magic’s just a little different from yours, that’s all.

The trio of new vamps are still cornering Ms. Sookie on Vampire Bill’s front porch when the show picks up this week. There’s Liam, the vampire on Maudette’s sex tape, and two vampires we haven’t seen before, who we’ll come to know as Diane (who has fabulous hair) and Malcolm. Malcolm tries to lure Sookie into the house. She cuts that off right fast but blurting out that glamouring doesn’t work on her, and all the evil wind goes out of the vampires’ sails.

Bill’s inside, so in Sookie and her new friends go. You know how embarrassed you feel when you try to “drop in” on some new guy you’ve been seeing and walk in on a vampire sex orgy, and maybe that guy doesn’t seem so great anymore? Yeah, that’s how Sookie feels right now. Bill seemed very smart and handsome when he was at her house the night before. Now he’s lurking in the corner, growling out that she’s “mine” while his friends argue about virgin or baby’s blood being the tastiest. The shine is off this penny.

Bill and Jerry, the first kiss

Anne Rice would be all over this.

Things might have gone from bad to worse if Sookie hadn’t overheard one of the blood bag’s thoughts about being Hep D positive and hoping to infect Bill when he gets fed on. “What’s Hep D?” she blurts out. It’s the strain of hepatitis that vampires happen to get sick from ““ and Jerry, the aforementioned blood bag ““ has been knowingly infecting vampires as a revenge for his lover taking off on him. Say good-bye to Jerry, gang. Malcolm is going to go have a little “talk” with him.

Hep D is the show’s version of “Sino-Aids,” the human disease that vampires are susceptible to in the books. I’m not sure why the show bothered changing this tiny fact. It feels like something that should have been a big deal if they go out of their way to both mention it and rename it, but it never comes up again.

After Malcolm et al clear out, Bill and Sookie have a row over his house guests that ends with her storming out, only to find Bill waiting on her porch when she gets home. Bill, clearly, did not grow up in the age of the flounce.

Sookie says the single most sensible thing she’ll ever say in this series right now:

Bill, night before last I had to bury my bloody clothes because I didn’t want my grandmother to find out I was almost killed and tonight I was almost killed again! Why on earth would I continue seeing you?

Girl, if only you had continued with this line of thinking. Of course, Sookie had a big ole gulp of Bill’s blood in the last episode, so she’s not going to be able to resist seeing him, but it’s nice to see her natural gumption at play. Bill feeds her some crap about how he’s the only man she’ll ever be herself with but doesn’t bother to mention that he’s not really himself when he’s with her. She flounces (again) into her house.

While Sookie goes to bed mad and has dirty sex dreams about Bill, Bill drops back in on the trio. He’s really clocking in the frequent flier miles this episode. Despite Malcolm being Bill’s elder, Bill demands that the trio leave Sookie alone.

Bill: The three of you will stay away from me and Sookie from now on.
Malcolm: I’m your elder. You have no authority here.
Bill: There are higher authorities.
Malcolm: I’m not afraid of Eric.
Bill: Higher than him.
Malcolm: Well then, she can speak to me.

When I first watched the show, I had already been reading the books for several years, so I knew what Bill’s angle was when the show started. I would get pretty frustrated by so many comments on the show that would center on how romantic people found the Bill-Sookie pairing, when I knew that Bill was a no-good dog. The show did a fairly good job about hinting Bill wasn’t quite what he seemed, but it wasn’t until I started this rewatch to I noticed how blatant the hints were. The exchange with Malcolm so early in the season is a big sign that someone else is dictating Bill’s actions. And Diane snaps a couple of one-liners that hint that Bill wasn’t always so concerned with his humanity.

Sookie might not be so torn up about her feelings for Bill if she were privy to this little exchange, but she’s not, so she is, and looks to her grandmother for relationship advice. Gran rightly points out that there aren’t many men out there who Sookie could have a chance at peace with. That seems to settled Sookie’s mind about her relationship quandary.

In the B-plot line, Jason is still carrying on with Dawn. Or trying to. A little role play rough sex ends with Jason accidentally hallucinating Liam’s head on Dawn’s body, and his happy stick gets a little sadder. Dawn, who is far more understanding about the situation then she needs to be, tries to comfort Jason, who spits all over her efforts. When she gets pissed and throws him out, Jason ignores her, insults her, and then gets chased out by the wrong end of a snub-nosed revolver. And he gets called dumber than a box of hair! I kind of love Dawn.

Jason dances in his under pants

So this happens.

In an effort to not at all deal with why he’s having performance issues, Jason ends up at Lafayette’s house for a quick fix. Lafayette offers to set him up with some V (vampire blood), which has some sexual side effects. But not for free. Nothing in Lafayette’s world is free ““ Jason, that poor, dumb box of hair, trades the V for on-camera sexy underwear dancing that Lafayette can sell to some of his clients. Don’t worry! Jason wears a terrible mask so no one knows it’s him. Except for Tara, who totally spies on this nuttiness from another room.

TNAS, Sam calls Sookie and asks if she could run by Dawn’s place and make sure she wakes up for work. Sure, no problem. Sookie doesn’t mind doing her boss a favor.

But Dawn’s not coming into work. Sookie finds her body sprawled across her bed. Dawn

Trivia:  Sam gets the one liner of the week:

Do you know who I would really wish to come to Marthaville? Buffy. Or Blade. Or any one of those bad ass vampire killers to take care of Mister Bill Compton.