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“I’ve had about 100 boyfriends die on me over the years, but I remember how painful those first few ones were.”

A screenshot of Anna Paquin as Sookie Stackhouse in "True Blood."

Slay: There’s a lot of skin on this “previously on.”

Ginger!

Mini is completely uninterested in the cold open. I’m not sure she’s looked at the tv.

Mini: Disclaimer: I never got around to watching last episode

Slay: It’s not the world’s most complicated plotting. You’ll be able to figure it out.

“Like being kicked in the cootch by a wallebee.”

So long, Ginger. I hope we don’t see you again only to see you get killed off.

Gif of Ginger riding a white coffin.

Mini: Look I’ve only seen three episodes, but I don’t understand why everyone is so protective of Sookie. She’s kinda bland to me.

She’s like the show’s Piper.

Slay: Who’s Piper? Pied Piper? Leading them off until a horrible death trapped in a cave?

Mini: From Orange is the New Black. You would agree with me if you would actually watch it.

Slay: I’m busy! I got stuff to do! (Listen to your daughter. ~ed.)

This is the first time we’ve seen Jackson’s girlfriend with clothes on.

That’s not an exaggeration.

I like my Pied Piper analogy. I think it’s apt. (*sigh* ~ed., Mini)

Mini: IDK. I’m not typically a fan of the sullen aesthetic, but Bill is very handsome. I use the word sullen a lot to describe these guys. Lafayette is right. They do need a party.

Slay: Eh. I guess. I suppose objectively I prefer Eric. Or LaLa. Amber sits around watching House Hunters marathons after she becomes a vampire. Basically, that’s what I’d probably do, too.

Mini: I think you’re giving yourself too much credit. Catfish at best. Probably just the Karen episode of Bridezillas on loop.

Slay: If I were a vampire, I’d track down Karen to find out if she got divorced. I like Amber, but why so many late season new character intros? We hardly know who most of the cast as it is.

Mini: Yeah who was that DJ? She looked cool.

Slay: Bill looks like a tool. He’s the too-old-for-this-party guy. There’s always one of those guys.

A screenshot of  Stephen Moyer as Bill in "True Blood."

Bill is too cool for this party.

Mini: Also, that chick in the horrible fall-themed jumpsuit I would totally wear

Slay: Bill looks pensively at the women he saved, and we get a flashback to remind us that he used to be a good guy. Oh, and hey, he was friendly with black folks even though he was a southerner who lived in the antebellum south! Sookie, why aren’t you back with this guy yet?

Mini: These flashbacks don’t make me feel for Bill at all. They seem pulled out of the ass.

Slay: Bill Compton stands up for what is right, even when it’s not popular!! Could they shove this down our throats any more?

Mini: I don’t think most men hold their beer directly in front of their crotch in a phallic fashion. Thanks, Jason.

Slay: Jason only has one real talent, and that’s his penis. Don’t take it away from him.

Mini: That older guy looks like one of the prison adults from Holes, and I can focus on literally nothing else.

Slay: Jackson? That’s Robert Patrick, who was the liquid metal Terminator in T2.

Mini: Lafayette and LM’s husband seem like the only people who can actually see through her bullshit.

I'm a Buddihst

Slay: Sookie doesn’t buy it either, but I think she was trying to be kind.

Mini: Although that was a really nice toast.

Slay: It was. I’m surprised she had it in her.

Mini: Is there anything that forced Jess to eat the Sheriff’s daughters?? Why is her regret supposed to paint her sympathetically?

Slay Belle: Andy’s daughters were half fairy, like Sookie. Fairies smell differently than regular humans, and their blood is super powerful and addictive. As a result, vampires have a hard time controlling themselves around them.

Mini: Jess being excited over his proposal is actually really sweet. I’m a total sucker for domestic fluff in fantasy narratives.

Slay Belle: Jessica is a baby vampire, only about two-years-old and her control is poor. She lost control and slaughtered all of his girls except A.

Mini: Every other male character at this party looks like a dude from True Blood.

Slay Belle: I love that Andy looks like he’s gonna puke.

Oh, and Andy cheated on Holly with the fairy lady who had his kids.

Sookie, Arlene, and Keith talk in the living room.

Mini: I’m not a fan of public proposals TBH but that was actually really nice. Probably because it’s a TV show and of course she was going to say yes.

Slay Belle: Andy has had a great trajectory from Asshole to Likeable Curmudgeon. It’s no Saul Tigh arc, but it ain’t bad.

“You seem happy. Let’s leave right now so we can bang.”

Mini: “C’mon Jessica let’s get out of here before you find out I’m hot for Lafayette.”

Slay Belle: HAHAH

Pensive Bill is Pensive.

Mini: The wallpaper in Sookie’s house is AMAZING. Life goals amazing.

Sookie lays on her bed and confides in Arlene.

Slay Belle: This creepy shot of Jackson eavesdropping on Sookie and Arlene better mean something. Is he making sure she really is torn up over Alcide?

Mini: See what you did Jessica! Now LaLa and what’s his face are gonna mack.

Slay Belle: James

Lafeyette and James sit on the porch swing.

Mini: My mom just audibly gasped at that hair twirl, BTW.

Slay Belle: Mini did not look amused by “Republicunt.”

Gasp!  Eric’s been lying about how sick he is.

republicunt

Mini: It’s nice that a show that clearly and sort of tonelessly tries to make vampires parallel queer people at least has more than one queer person.

Slay Belle:I think I mentioned this a couple of weeks back, but vampires are canonically bisexual in this universe. Most of them, at least.

Keith! Sexy rock drummer!

Mini: I don’t remember you mentioning that, but it’s good to know.

Slay Belle: “I have to tinkle because I am a human.” Wise words, Arlene.

Mini: Need I remind you of that thing I just saw literally three seconds ago?

Slay Belle: Meta commentary from Lafayette. I think the writers just hung out on Internet message boards and made a checklist of things to talk about this season.

Mini: I know this is an inappropriate aspect of this scene to focus on, but LaLa’s sparkly gold ankle boots are AMAZING.

Slay Belle: Look, I liked Lala’s little speech there, but it rings a little hollow given that Jessica just caught him fucking her boyfriend.

Is Bill on the goddamn underground railroad?

Bill, circa 1800s.

Mini: Bill is a leader! A freedom fighter! Ahead of his time!

Slay Belle: This week’s episode has made me feel things. Things for LaLa and James. Things for Sookie and Lettie Mae. And a lot of rage about this pandering fucking subplot about Bill.

Mini: Even in the scene where Bill is a righteous protector, the black man still gets killed first.

Slay Belle: DEAR VIEWERS, BILL IS A GOOD GUY FOR THESE REASONS.

BTW, in the first season, Tara straight up asks if Bill owned slaves and he doesn’t answer.

“I have to leave. I have important brooding to do.”

Mini: “These cheekbones won’t sculpt themselves.”

KISS

Slay Belle: On the scale of crazy things that Lettie Mae was going to do, stabbing Willa was not on my radar.

“You stabbed somebody, auntie, that’s why people think you crazy.”

Mini: WOW! Literally everyone is on the meta commentary train this episode.

Slay Belle: Jackson’s girlfriend looks way too amused by this whole scene.

Mini: “What are we doing here?? Literally we were all almost murdered like three days ago?”

Slay Belle: Nicole was introduced last year as part of a group of college kids who were trying to assist the oppressed vampire minorities.

Mini: Are Jason and Jess gonna have a thing? Is Jason even making this about his dick?

Slay Belle: Everyone on this show seems to want to settle down and get married.

Mini: I prefer that dynamic to no one ever wanting to settle down and get married.

Slay Belle: I actually kinda want to wear Pam’s dress.

What has Sara done ot her hair? This is a terrible wig.

Jessica is one of the few female actors on this show who hasn’t done a nude scene.

Oh, wait, spoke too soon. That is her first topless scene.

sarah-shocked1

Mini: Again not what I should be focusing on in this scene, but why is Violet wearing a leaf pattern in the summer?

Slay Belle: Uh. I meant that in an observational, not pornographic manner.

Eric just ripped a guy’s face off. I clapped a little.

Our uncle walked through the room during the Jason and Jessica sex scene, and then stayed through the face ripping part. He declared the show sick and left.

See, you guys, it’s totally OK that Bill fought for the South. He “had” to.

Twist!

Bill has the Hep-V. WILL YOU JUST LIKE HIM ALREADY, AUDIENCE?

Mini: So they had to ramp him up as sympathetic just so we would care at all that he had Hep-V. I mean I still don’t care but solid effort.

Slay Belle: You’re being way too charitable about this.

Oh, is it airborn?

Bill looked surprised by the veins, and appears way progressed in next week’s preview.

Mini: Next, on True Blood: Violet tries on sexy lingerie and someone wears a hoodie even though it’s like August in the south.

lost-cause-main

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