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“This is bullshit. I imagined my death many times. But I never thought I’d meet the sun in a place with wall to wall carpet.”

Triangle slow walk

Slay Belle: He’s still carrying the face! I love Eric’s vampire style.

And then he kicks a bunch of Yakuza ass and never lets it go.

Mini: It’s definitely supposed to echo his fatigue but the choreography in this scene is really weird. And badly done. One dude was supposed to be kicked but clearly just rolled away from him.

Slay Belle: Look, it’s the last season. The stunt guys couldn’t get any more fired.

Pam and Eric are chained up.

Mini: I keep thinking that these are flashbacks. It’s really weird watching a show that takes place actively in the past, but only like the five-years-ago past.

Slay Belle: I’ll take the couple of seconds the theme song is running to point out that one of our readers in turn pointed out that I was incorrect in saying Bill never answered Tara’s question about owning slaves. He didn’t, his father did. So, Bill’s still a good guy! All the way back to the dawn of the civil war.

What up, Bill’s chest.

Mini: What up, Bill’s standing desk.

Slay Belle: Ouch, Jessica hears Bill talking about being Hep V positive.

Mini:I appreciate that he’s helpfully repeating everything the man he’s on the phone with is saying.

Slay Belle: While I like that they have a loving relationship now, and that it’s grown and changed, I think the show never really addressed that Bill murdered her, and the scene was shot like a rape-murder.

Heyyyyy James. (Every time they’re onscreen together I feel like Cathy Geiss in that 30 Rock episode.)

Cathy Geiss wants you to kiss!

Mini: Awkward upcoming conversation with Lettie May in the room.

Slay Belle: So, if you didn’t know, the guy who played James last season was replaced with this actor, because the original James didn’t want to ‘play gay’ with Lala this year.

Your loss, original actor. Our gain. New James is pretty hot.

Mini: This blood sharing scene looks really sexual and really creepy since James is giving his blood to his sorta boyfriend and his sorta boyfriend’s aunt.

I saw a Jez article on it, I think.

Violet’s accent is really inconsistent.

Violet is screaming mad.

Slay Belle: I’m impressed with the extensive contouring on Violet’s everything. I need to get a professional airbrush artist to follow me around.

This is a very noir scene — the music is a very nice nod to the fact that they’re recasting Violet as a femme fatal, probably in the literal sense.

Bill has an excessively large truck for a single dude.

Mini: Bill has a suburban dad car!

Slay Belle: I bet it’s so big because he’s short.

Mini: This is like that scene in Beetlejuice.

Slay Belle: It’s a damn shame that you can become an immortal monster and still be stuck hanging out in waiting rooms.

I like Mr. Gus, Jr.

Mini: I wouldn’t mind waiting rooms if I was immortal. Hopefully by then they would have created smartphone battery life to support them.

Slay Belle: But it’s 2011. They didn’t have 4G.

Pam bringing Truthiness Realness. Everyone needs a Pam in their life to remind them when to quit with the dick measuring.

Pam didn't want to die with wall to wall carpeting.

Mini: I forget how primitive they were.

The smartphones, not the men.

Them too.

Slay Belle: I wish I had more clever a capella jokes to use when Sarah Newlin is on screen. Alas.

Mini: Aca-awkward.

Yo, it’s flipphones.

Slay Belle: Jason is wearing his white atheltic socks in bed. Because of course he kept them on during sex.

Mini: Only one!

Slay Belle: I think that’s worse.

Oh no. Violet’s going fatal attraction .

Women be crazy, amiright?

HAHAHAHA

It’s like Flowers in the Attic. If Chris and Cathy weren’t actually related or stuck in an attic.

What I’m saying is, quasi-sibling sexcapades.

This is a surprisingly light Sookie episode. We’re what, 20 minutes in and just seeing her?

Bill puts his affairs in order.

Mini: I wonder what it’s like having hallucinogenic blood. Why aren’t you just sort of high all the time?

Slay Belle: I hope Tara’s actress got the script for this season and shouted, “This is bullshit” at the producers.

“This town is fucking crazy. You. You’re the mayor of fucking crazy.”

Mini: Looks like the mayor’s IN THE DOGHOUSE

Slay Belle: She’s gonna take him out behind the woodshed later.

“He was a bona fide vampire god about six months ago.” See? This is what Nicole was talking about.

Oh, cutting up her arm with a dirty stick while she waited in the woods was a bad idea?

Actually, it’s nice to see that some of her terrible ideas have actually consequences.

Fairy powered Hep V. That’s messed up.

Silence=True Death

Mini: I want that “You are the key to Hep V” poster on my wall.

Bill's hep v veins are spreading.

Slay Belle: I bet you can find it on etsy.

TB has done a lot of ham-fisted shit, but I think that this bit with Sookie getting tested is actually quite touching and real.

Mini: So does this classify as a good trip or a bad trip?

Slay Belle: Good? In the sense that she’s getting something out of it.

“I don’t think that screwing your siblings was included in bad times!”

Mini: God, I just realized that this is the plot of Clueless.

Slay Belle: HAHAH. Oh my god.

Sorry, Wayne is no Paul Rudd.

Mini says I have a mean face on when I’m typing, “hahah.”

Mini: I look across the room every time I make a pun to see her reaction and it’s always like I just told her Morrissey’s concert was cancelled.

Slay Belle: “Love shouldn’t make you scared,” says the woman who’s dated two vampires and a werewolf.

IT WAS CANCELED. DO YOU LIKE SEEING ME CRY?

Mini: Literally no town had this many flipphones is 2011.

Slay Belle: They bought them in bulk from Costco.

Still in waiting room hell, Bill’s sexy black veins are out of control.

Mini: This is actually a really touching plotline between the Stackhouses.

Slay Belle: I really buy them as siblings. They seem to genuinely care for each other.

There’s been some weird product placements this episode. Sam had Dunkin Donuts earlier and the lawyer is drinking Diet Pepsi. I don’t think I’ve ever noticed product placement in TB before.

“They sell anti-glamouring contacts at the Walgreen’s now.”

Mini: Translation: Bill ain’t shit.

Although THAT fight scene was really cool.

Slay Belle: He used to be a vampire god! And now he can’t even glamour a lawyer.

Aside from her moment of slut shaming, which she apologized for, Holly is the best.

Mini: Yeah, like, now I’m a Buddhist.

Slay Belle: Oh, Bill says that he got a blood transfusion and literally became a different man and we’re supposed to buy it, but Sara Newlin says she’s a new person and we’re all like, ‘Whatever, bitch.”

For the record, I also “whatever, bitch”-ed Bill.

Mini: If he’s a new person, why did we have to have that lame-ass storyline about what good of a human he was? Why does it matter?

Sookie and Jessica wait for Bill to come home.

Slay Belle: Ooh, good call.

Of course, the underlying message seems to be what Amber is saying: you can’t blow a guru or try to escape from the southern Army and be forgiven for all the shit you did.

Which begs the question: does this mean it;s death for Bill? Because obvs Sara Newlin is not going to survive the season.

I love that Anna Paquin is an ugly crier. It makes her seem more real.

Everyone in this town is too dumb to survive the season.

Mini: So prediction: Sara’s gonna die because an overzealous vamp who’s trying to heal is going to drain too much or bite too deep.

Slay Belle: Prediction: We’ll get a limited cure for Hep V in vamps, but not in humans, which means Sookie won’t ever be able to settle down with either Bill or Eric because she’s a carrier.

This song is amazing. I’m linking the youtube video because everyone should really listen to it.

Mini: I think this was my favorite episode. It seemed really lovingly put together and all the connections and pain felt tangible.

Slay Belle: I agree. Sometimes they can do very convincing emotional plots, but those are usually drowned out by the insanity. There’s some viable chemistry between the leads and you get the feeling that they all really care about each other.

Ok, so there’s a girl’s scream over Violet’s face in the credits — who is screaming? Jessica or Adilyn?

Mini: Adilyn.

Slay Belle: I’m betting Jessica, finding Adilyn all messed up. I guess we’ll find out next week, because god forbid someone on this show just break up and move on with their lives. It’s always got to involve revenge killing. Pro-tip as you go on through your life. Don’t take dating cues from True Blood.

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